Should I Stay or Should I Go? Deciding to Divorce a Narcissist
Are you in a space of indecision as you weigh your options of staying or leaving?
Divorcing a narcissist is no easy feat for most survivors.
Societally, it’s generally accepted that abuse ends at separation. But the truth is that when you leave a narcissist, the narcissist’s drive to have power and control over you doesn’t go away. They just have to exert new tactics in order to maintain the control they feel entitled to.
This is known as post separation abuse and the reality is that it can be as intense, and sometimes more intense than the abuse survivors endure in a marriage.
Weighing Your Options As You Decide to Divorce a Narcissist
Many, many survivors consider divorce for years before making a final decision. Why? Because divorcing a narcissist is complicated. Survivors have to think about:
Potential child custody battles
Financial security, as financial abuse is a common occurance in a relationship with a narcissist
Fears of stalking and ongoing harassment post-separation
The reality that the children will be with the abuser for 50% of the time without the protective parent to supervise and intervene
The loss of social support systems, family, and friends
These are just some of the factors that victims consider when trying to decide to stay or go. But the truth is that your entire life, and the lives of your children, can be upended in a high conflict divorce scenario.
Why Choose Divorce if Post-Separation Abuse is a Reality?
Understanding that Post-Separation abuse encompasses so many aspects of a survivor’s life and wellbeing, it can be confusing to survivors - why would anyone leave? Why not just stay and make the best of it?
The reality is that narcissistic abuse is mentally and physically detrimental. Living in the same home as a narcissist and enduring the onslaught of ridicule, threats, coercion, cold shoulders, and gaslighting is not a sustainable way of life.
Children observing this dynamic learn that abuse is normal. They see power and control as well as trauma responses, like fawn or freeze, and learn to adapt.
When survivors choose to divorce a narcissist, they are weighing the reality that their children will likely be forced to spend 50% of their childhood with the abuser. However, during the survivor’s parenting time, the children are safe, empowered, and treated with compassion. This dynamic cannot exist if the survivor is living in fear and trauma in the same home as the abuser, in a marriage.
So Should I Stay or Should I Go?
Unfortunately, no one can make the decision to divorce a narcissist for you. But know that regardless of your decision, there are many resources available to you.
Local domestic violence shelters offer non-judgmental services and can help you understand what’s happening to you and your children.
Tina Swithin, founder of One Mom’s Battle candidly answers questions on this topic and others here.
Should I Stay or Should I Go by Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a great resource on this very question.
Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches are trained to empower you to make informed, careful, data-informed decisions.
