I Divorced a Narcissist and I Learned How to Live Again

One survivor shares her experiences leaving a narcissistic abuser and finding herself again.

I was young when I married a narcissistic abuser and I got pregnant with my first child very quickly. 

The first acts of violence happened before I got pregnant, but it got worse after the baby was born. But the narcissist always knew how to put it back on me. He grabbed my arm too tightly and held on too long because I was acting “irrational” (I wanted to go to the grocery store and asked him to take care of the baby). He punched the wall and broke off dry wall right next to my face (because I said no to sex). He bucked me off of him when he was tickling me violently, and my face smashed against the carpet, ripping a bunch of skin off (we were just playing!).

It wasn’t until years later that I gained the courage to even begin looking into what was happening to me. Learning that I was experiencing emotional abuse, sexual coercion, financial sabotage, and gaslighting first made me think I could fix it if I just explained it to him well enough. But as I’m sure everyone reading this knows, it honestly just made it worse.

The more I tried to fix it, the more he could manipulate me. He made it seem like he cared and wanted to change, then the next day he’d gaslight me by saying things like, “What are you even talking about? Change what?”

I finally got to the end of my rope and after a long separation, made the decision to leave. I couldn’t leave for myself yet - but when I realized that I needed to leave for my kids, the decision was clear.

I didn’t want my kids to think that this was a healthy relationship and I certainly didn’t want them to follow in my footsteps.

I wanted them to see me physically healthy, emotionally stable, and mentally strong. I could not be those things in a marriage with a narcissist.

Divorce and its aftermath has been its own kind of hell. However, within a year of leaving my health drastically improved and my self-esteem has grown so much. I have a hard time even remembering what it was like to be in that marriage. Sometimes I get triggered and remember the feelings of hopelessness, fear, and confusion that I lived with every day and I can’t quite grasp how I survived as long as I did.

During the marriage, I did not have a job. Part of my abuser’s coercive control was sabotaging my efforts to establish a career. I was very worried about how I would provide for myself and my children without a “breadwinner” to take care of us. He had conditioned me to believe that I did not have skills to be in the workforce.

But I do have skills to be a successful career woman and a great mom! I know this because I’m doing it!

I applied and was accepted into the High Conflict Divorce Certification Program and began my own coaching business, which eventually led to other career opportunities that support myself and my children. I work in domestic violence advocacy and get to help victims of domestic violence and sexual assault on a one-on-one basis every day. I use the tools and knowledge I gained from the HCDC program to support my clients.

If you are trying to decide whether or not to stay with your abuser and some of your hesitation to leave has to do with fear about your ability to provide, please consider questioning where those fears come from. Has your abuser gotten into your head that you can’t make it on your own? If so, are you willing to challenge that belief?

I left my narcissistic abuser and then I learned how to truly live when I wasn’t under his thumb anymore. To anyone reading this, I hope the same for you.