Divorcing a Narcissist & the “Neutral” Mutual Friend Dilemma
“We love both of you.” Here’s why the “neutral” mutual friend isn’t going to work out when you’re divorcing a narcissist.
Here’s the sad truth: “mutual friends” are not really friends. Not when your ex is abusive.
Too often in high conflict divorce/child custody battles, mutual friends hesitate to “take sides” in an effort to maintain the relationship with both parties. In a non-high conflict divorce scenario this may be a healthy stance, but in a high conflict scenario this is inappropriate and alienating to the victim.
Neutrality Can Be Dangerous
Narcissistic abusers use tactics like stalking, harassment, threats, intimidation, and coercion to control victims while presenting a very likable, charismatic front to the public.
Neutrality presents an issue when mutual friends do not understand or take seriously the very real danger that the victim is in - neutral friends may accidentally:
Share private details about the victim’s life that could put the victim in serious danger (for example, if the victim has begun dating, or if the victim has changed careers);
Pass messages onto the victim from the abuser, which may be a violation of court orders or an act of stalking or harassment;
Further traumatize the victim by pressuring them to reconcile, break court orders, or work outside of the divorce decree in an effort to soothe the abuser’s feelings.
Neutrality Feels Like Betrayal
When a survivor shares personal details of abuse, it can be deeply traumatizing and hurtful for a friend to respond that they still care for both parties and will remain neutral.
Often, secondary trauma, which occurs when a victim is retraumatized after disclosing the abuse, is just as impactful or more impactful than the initial trauma.
It’s important to understand that maintaining relationships with neutral, mutual friends can actually be a massive detriment to a victim’s mental and emotional wellbeing.
How Should I Respond to Our “Neutral” Friends?
When neutral friends reach out to you, whether they’re asking you to give the abuser more parenting time, consider reconciliation, or simply try harder to get along with the abuser, it is absolutely your right to block them without explanation and move on.
But if you’d like to give them more of an explanation, here are some ideas for how you can respond:
“Our divorce and child custody battle are being dealt with by our attorneys. Any discussion with friends regarding this topic is not appropriate.”
“I do not wish to discuss this with you.”
“This is a private matter that is between X, myself, and our attorneys.”
While it can be deeply painful to realize that your neutral friends may not be safe enough to be emotionally close to you during your high conflict divorce or child custody battle, it’s still important information. They’re outing themselves as folks that you cannot and will not rely on as your inner people. And while this can be so discouraging and alienating, it opens you up to find the right people for you.
Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches are trained to help you establish a safe, loving support system. Find your coach here.
