How to Divorce a Narcissist? It takes a village
Whether you’re on the way out or you’ve been journeying solo, now is the time to build your support team with the right people.
A mother cut off from bank accounts.
Little to no familial support (financial or emotional).
No understanding of the family court system.
No emotional support system.
The questions beating through her pulse:
If I don’t have access to our shared account, how am I going to feed the kids?
Will the judge listen to me if I just explain the situation candidly?
I wonder if my neighbor will lend me some clothes for court… I can’t go back to the house because he might try to kill us and I don’t have anything nice here at the shelter.
What am I supposed to do for childcare during the hearing?
What if my ex finds us here… will the advocates have to kick us out? Where will we live?
I was this mother.
Without support, these questions were unanswerable. I had to learn the answers the hard way. Waiting in fear, trial (literally) and error, and the ongoing disappointment (understatement) of experiencing the family court system first-hand.
This is How High Conflict Divorce Coaches Make a Difference
When I left Seth and the girls and I ended up in a domestic violence shelter, Certified High Conflict Divorce Coaches (HCDC) simply didn’t exist.
But if they did, I’d like to show you how my questions could have turned into opportunities for a “village” to step in and help me.
If I don’t have access to our shared account, how am I going to feed the kids? A High Conflict Divorce Coach could explain to me that my situation is NOT unique. She could teach me about post separation abuse (something I didn’t learn about until years later). She could validate my feelings of despair and fear. She could also empower me and guide me in finding resources or assistance within my community.
Will the judge listen to me if I just explain the situation candidly? Ah. Radical Acceptance. How wonderful it would have been to have someone figuratively (honestly, literally, too) hold my hand as I worked toward accepting that the court professionals on our case DID NOT KNOW ME from Adam! And that family court is an ultra-marathon - not a sprint. My HCDC could have helped me develop a documentation system early on that didn’t burn me out and take me away from my daughters. My coach would have helped me see the judge in a light that wasn’t fearful, but rather strategic.
I wonder if my neighbor will lend me some clothes for court… I can’t go back to the house because he might try to kill us and I don’t have anything nice here at the shelter. This would have been a great coaching session right here. I imagine my coach could have helped me run through some role-plays of how to speak to my neighbor about my situation or new ideas to explore such as community organizations that may be equipped to help me. We would have talked about the importance of developing a strong support system through authentic friendships. Further, she could have explained the process of the “Civil Standby” with law enforcement, and let me know that this option exists if I did need to return to the marital home. Mostly, though, she would have empowered me to reach out for help, and given me courage and confidence to start building my village.
What am I supposed to do for childcare during the hearing? Rather than solving my problem for me, my coach would empower me to tap into my own resourcefulness and think creatively. She would help me develop a decision-making process to use in many aspects of my life so that I didn’t feel so daunted by every “problem” that came up (and believe me - there were MANY problems to be solved during the decade we were on the battlefield).
What if my ex finds us here… will the advocates have to kick us out? Where will we live? Again, my Coach would empower me to build my support team, work toward clear thinking, and develop decision-making processes that help me find healthy solutions. She’d help me see my own power rather than solving problems for me. Moving from fear-based thinking to strategic thinking is one of the biggest benefits of working with a HCDC.
Divorcing a Narcissist is Messy - Coaches Offer Clarity
Radical truth: Divorcing a narcissist is messy and terrifying. There will be questions, accusations, gaslighting - the waters will get murky. Clarity is such a gift during this incredibly exhausting process. One of the greatest gifts that comes from bringing a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach to your team is clarity.
While High Conflict Divorce Coaches aren’t genies - they can’t magically fix anything - they help you tap into the power that already exists. They help you amplify that power. They help you clear away the murkiness and live in the truth that will light your way through that tunnel that feels so dark.
If you are interested in finding a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach, click here.
If you are interested in FREE divorce coaching through our student High Conflict Divorce Coaches, click here (password: VClientM21) for the next opportunity in fall of 2024.
