What Is Post Separation Abuse?
Leaving an abusive relationship is complex. Many individuals who work up the courage and use their resources find that their spouse continues harmful behavior after a separation. Often, domestic violence leads to post-separation abuse and high-conflict divorce. Understanding what post-separation abuse is, what tactics it may involve, and what help is available is essential for anyone who has to deal with or is dealing with physical, mental, emotional, sexual, or narcissistic abuse.
What Is Post-Separation Abuse?
An estimated 90% of all people who suffer coercive control abuse at the hands of their partners go on to experience post-separation abuse after they leave*. The term refers to coercive and controlling behavior that continues after a couple separates. Often, the abusive spouse resorts to this behavior to try to frighten or coerce their partners into returning or punish them by making divorce or child custody battle proceedings as complex as possible.
Post-Separation Abuse Tactics
The post-separation abuse wheel is a model that mental health experts use to break down the eight main tactics of post-separation abuse. These tactics include:
Alienation allegations: Children living in a household where domestic violence occurs often favor the abused parent over the abusive one. When this happens, the abuser may claim that their spouse is purposefully alienating them from the children. They do so to undermine the abused spouse's credibility to defend inappropriate or abusive behavior.
Neglectful parenting: The abusive spouse may use children as a weapon to intimidate and threaten their partner by exposing kids to unsafe situations or inappropriate content. They put their own needs above the safety and well-being of their children and may even become abusive toward their children to regain control.
Coercive control: The abusive spouse may begin or continue with coercive control tactics, such as criticizing, shaming, and tearing down their partners to try to force them to live in fear. Gaslighting or creating a false story to make someone doubt themselves may also be employed in an attempt to make the abused spouse question whether they were right to leave.
Isolation: The abuser seeks to remove any family, friend, and community support the abused spouse has by making up lies and rumors. Their efforts may include preventing their children from seeing these individuals so their story can be maintained.
Harassment and stalking: The abuser sends an overwhelming number of emails or texts or makes repeated phone calls to communicate threatening and manipulative messages. They may also use social media or spyware to track the movements of the abused spouse and show up in places as a sign that they can get to them anywhere.
Legal abuse: An abusive person may begin using the family court system to abuse a spouse. They may make false claims, delay court proceedings and ignore court orders to reestablish their power. Fighting for custody of children and making false testimony about the abused spouse is a common tactic in legal abuse. However, abusers without children can also use the divorce or family court system to intimidate and harass their partners.
Financial abuse: The abuser makes it impossible or difficult for their spouse to access money in their bank accounts. If there are separate accounts, they may instead try to get their spouse fired so that they will lose their means of financial support. If the court orders support payments, the abuser may refuse to pay.
Counter parenting: The abuser uses children to undermine their spouse. They may do so by criticizing the other parent's skills or refusing to consent to their kids' medical and mental health treatments. Raising children with morals and values counter to the abused spouse's is another form of counter-parenting
Benefits of a High-Conflict Divorce Coach
If you are experiencing post-separation abuse, a high-conflict divorce coach may be a valuable ally. A coach can help you develop strategies that may help you overcome the abusive tactics of your spouse. During high-conflict divorce mediation, a coach can act as your advocate and provide advice on how to proceed in a way that increases your chances of favorable outcomes. They can also spot instances of post-separation abuse that you may not be aware of. While hiring a high-conflict divorce coach won't stop an abusive spouse's behavior, their support may strengthen you and help you feel more confident and empowered throughout the proceedings.
References:
* https://www.domesticshelters.org/articles/legal/8-common-post-separation-domestic-abuse-tactics
