4 Reasons Why You Need a High Conflict Divorce Coach (Part 1)

When you think of a “coach,” you might have flashbacks to a childhood sport: learning how to dribble a basketball for the first time, or kicking a soccer ball toward a far-off goal. As adults, our obstacles and goals are much different, and sometimes bigger than the ones we faced as children; but regardless of our age, we can all benefit from the presence of a kind, supportive, and knowledgeable coach.

For many adults and parents, one of the greatest obstacles they’ll experience is divorce: a possibility that no married couple wants to entertain. Still, there is an overwhelming need for professionals who can support others through this all-too-common experience. As someone who has experienced divorce and coached others through the process, these are some of my clients’ most common questions:

1)    What is a divorce coach, and how do I find one?

2)    How do I communicate about my divorce to others: my former partner, my parents, my friends, and my kids?

3)    I’ve made it through to the other side. I want to help others - how do I become a divorce coach?

If you’re considering divorce and seeking professional help, or simply looking for answers to some of these questions, a Divorce Coach (DC) can provide both emotional support and practical guidance. In Part 1 of this guide, we’ll outline the major reasons why you need a divorce coach.

But First: What is a Divorce Coach?

Once again, let’s think back to any early forays into athletics or other childhood hobbies. In a final game or an important performance, perhaps there was a coach, a parent, or a friend who cheered you on or encouraged you without fail.

If you’re considering divorce as an adult, you need and deserve that same kind of unwavering support. As you traverse this new territory, a DC is your cheerleader: they provide emotional support and ask the tough questions, in anticipation of the blank pages that await you in the next season of life. In the face of anxiety and uncertainty, a DC is trained to ask you open-ended questions that tap into your emotions, desires, and core values. Their ultimate goal is to empower you, reconnect you to yourself, and provide a hopeful lens to reframe and assess your situation.

Compared to a traditional DC, a High Conflict Divorce Coach (HCDC) is trained to assist anyone involved in a high-conflict custody battle, regardless of whether they’re married. An HCDC offers strategies for co-parenting challenges, documentation, and communication, in addition to motivation and emotional support. An HCDC also has a foundational understanding of family courts, and they’ll share their knowledge, insight and experience with clients to help them navigate this convoluted system.

In our High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program, students develop the ability to both support and strategize with their future clients. A HCDC's ability to look at things through the lens of strategy distinguishes their training from a standard DC, who focuses more on emotional relief and support. While HCDCs are always there to provide support, they maintain professional boundaries and are trained to refrain from legal and therapeutic advice. The HCDC becomes an integral part of your team. 

4 Reasons Why You Need A Divorce Coach

With all of this in mind, you might be wondering: why do I need a DC, or more specifically, an HCDC? In short: divorce is never easy and everyone can use a support person but if the stakes are higher and you are facing a high conflict individual who will use your children as pawns or weapons, you need an HCDC.

Here are some of the most common reasons why our clients consult the help of HCDC – and why ultimately, this is one of the best decisions you can make for yourself, your pocketbook, your children, and your future:

1. You’re overwhelmed by the decision-making process.

In a high-conflict custody battle or divorce, the healthy parent may be processing events from the abusive relationship and now, navigating post separation abuse. Chronic stress and trauma can implicate our ability to make decisions quickly and accurately. But as we know, divorce and child custody issues can involve some of the biggest decisions of our lives.

This sense of overwhelm is not just a passing feeling: trauma responses are persistent, and they can shape the way we view and approach major decisions. This is where a HCDC steps in: their role is never to make decisions for you, but to remind you that the reins are in your hands. Operating from a trauma-informed model of empowerment, HCDCs help clients recognize and honor their needs, interests, and future goals. They’ll never tell you what to do, but they’ll help you to operate from a place of strategy instead of emotion, so that you’ll be able to make decisions with improved clarity, information, and confidence.

2. You’re struggling to navigate the family court system.

Here, it’s important to note: HCDCs are not legal professionals, but they’re well-versed in the family court system. Alongside an attorney and a trauma-informed therapist, HCDCs can provide a more personal perspective on the complexities of this journey. They have a professional understanding of mediation, negotiations, child custody evaluations, and court proceedings, which are often gatekept by legal lingo.

HCDCs take a professional oath that prohibits them from providing legal or therapeutic advice. Their perspective and training enables them to connect with clients from a human, personalized stance, and gently guide them through the conversations and scenarios they may encounter in the family court system. The HCDC holds a lens of strategy and allows you to see things from different perspectives.

3. You don’t know how to talk to your children about the divorce.

There’s no easy part about divorce, but one of the greatest challenges is discussing your family situation with your children. HCDCs understand the difficulties embedded in these discussions, as well as the reality of post-separation abuse. In high-conflict situations, abusers may use children as pawns to continue the abuse and control. Because our words and actions are under a microscope held by family court professionals, these situations need to be navigated carefully. 

This is an incredibly frustrating, painful, and isolating experience – but with an HCDC, you’re not alone. A well-trained coach recognizes the complexity of post-separation abuse and meets you where you’re at – never where you’re “expected” to be. Complementing the counsel of attorneys and mental health providers, an HCDC can help you craft a plan to discuss an evolving family situation with your children. Above all, HCDCs work hard to ensure that your parenting plan honors the needs of both the healthy parent and the children - because your children’s voices matter, too.

4. You want to clarify and own your goals.

Just like any sports coach, HCDCs are focused on strategy. To create action steps and ultimately meet your goals, you’ll need solid, tangible strategies to get there. An HCDC will help you develop a strategy mindset, wherein your goals - as opposed to touch-and-go emotions - will guide you above and beyond the obstacles of high-conflict divorce.

In the haze of a custody battle or post-separation abuse, it can be challenging to envision any relief from this situation – and an HCDC understands this. Often informed by their own experience in addition to accredited training, an HCDC will help clarify your goals, reframe your perspective, and lead you toward the future that you and your family deserve.

Stay tuned for Part 2, where we’ll describe the training process for HCDCs and how to become an advocate for other survivors of high-conflict divorce.