The Narcissist’s “Coparenting” Reality
And why it does NOT take two to create a high conflict dynamic
If you are like many protective parents, you entered into the world of coparenting hoping that things would get better post-separation.
But then the reality of post-separation abuse hit you like a brick wall.
The reality of post-separation is that narcissistic abusers can’t use the same tactics to control, manipulate, harm, and intimidate you - so they have to change things up. Usually they do this through the children.
Post-Separation Abuse and “Coparenting” With a Narcissist
Narcissistic abusers often use a combination of post-separation abuse tactics to create chaos, conflict, and confusion in the coparenting dynamic.
For many survivors, it feels like the only way to establish some semblance of peace is to give the narcissist what they want, all the time. Which isn’t sustainable or healthy.
For narcissistic abusers, “coparenting” means:
Your total submission to their preferences, schedule changes, and any other whim or desire they have.
Your adoration and verbal praise, your unending gratitude.
Your deference, groveling, and beating yourself up when you make a parenting mistake.
Never, ever holding them to any kind of standard of healthy parenting.
Complete independence and zero oversight (they usually call this “trust”) in regard to how they parent, regardless of how harmful and abusive they may be to the children.
That they do not owe you a timely response to messages - and that you are not allowed to hold them accountable to timely responses.
That you “owe” them immediate responses.
With a Narcissistic Abuser, Coparenting isn’t Coparenting
Because of the delusional, manipulative nature of the high conflict, narcissistic abuser, coparenting isn’t ever really coparenting.
So while you may keep trying to coparent in a mutually respectful, healthy way, just know that it’s not you causing the conflictual and chaotic dynamic.
No matter how hard you try to communicate clearly and kindly, no matter how hard you try to get on the narcissist’s level and help them understand mutuality, and no matter how much you love your child and keep trying to engage with the narcissist in an effort to create a healthy coparenting dynamic, it’s impossible to do so with a person who cannot and will not see you as an equal human being, worthy of mutual respect and understanding.
A Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach can help you find strategies to navigate this painful and frustrating dynamic.
