Post Separation Abuse

POST SEPARATION ABUSE EXPLAINED

Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical abuse. During the relationship, domestic violence can be coercive control, physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse. When the relationship ends, the abuse does not stop, it just transitions to a new form of abuse referred to as post separation abuse.

Post separation abuse continues to escalate and often, far surpasses the DV that victims are subjected to while under the same roof as their abuser. After the relationship ends, the perpetrator sets their sights on the child(ren) to exert control and, to terrorize the healthy parent. Every high-conflict custody battle has three basic narratives: the abuser’s need for control, the abuser’s need to “win” and, the abuser’s desire to hurt or punish the healthy parent.

Post-separation abuse does not just affect the victim, it has both immediate and long-lasting effects on children resulting in high adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACE’s, a term used to describe any traumatic event during childhood such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse or even an environment that undermines a child’s sense of bonding or stability. The ACE Study (The Center for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente) should be the courtroom bible for judges and other family court professionals who are tasked with the responsibility of acting in the best interest of children.

While there are many resources available to victims of DV during the relationship, the only resource available to victims of post-separation abuse is the family court system itself (judges, mediators, minor’s counsel, custody evaluators, therapists, co-parenting counselors, parenting coordinators and attorneys). It is so important for those in the family court system to be educated on post-separation abuse and to recognize it in high-conflict divorces, custody battles and paternity cases.

Counter Parenting

• Undermines the safe parent’s parenting abilities and decisions

• Denies or withholds consent/care for child’s medical or therapeutic needs

• Seeks to impose opposing values in the child to spite the safe parent

Alienation Allegations

• Child favors the safe parent and rejects the abusive parent leading to false allegations of alienation

• Parental alienation claims lodged against the safe parent as a legal strategy to cast doubt on their credibility

• Valid claims of abuse labeled as alienation by the abusive parent as a defensive tactic

Neglectful or Abusive Parenting

• Exposes children to unsafe content, situations, or people, which creates concern and fear in the safe parent

• Uses violence, intimidation, threats, manipulation, and ridicule to gain compliance from the children

• Abusive parent places their own needs above the needs of the child

Isolation

• Spreads lies and rumors to family, friends, teachers, and community relationships to discredit the safe parent and destroy their support system and reputation

• Paints a false narrative, projecting their ownissues to discredit the safe parent

• Withholds child’s social interaction to maintain abusive parents’ sphere of control

Harassment & Stalking

• Bombards the healthy parent with an overwhelming number of emails, phone calls, and manipulative, threatening, and abusive messages

• Monitors whereabouts, social interactions, social media, etc. via devices, online communications tools, or spyware

• Terrorizes and intimidates safe parent with threats without rising to the level of involving law enforcement

Legal Abuse

• Misuse of court proceedings to control, harass, intimidate, coerce, and exhaust the financial and emotional resources of the safe parent

• Disregards court orders, makes false reports, deliberately causes delays in court proceedings, and makes legal threats to assert power and control over the safe parent

• Seeks a change in custody only as a means of revenge, punishment, and continued control over the safe parent

Financial Abuse

• Withholds, mismanages, or delays support payments and court-ordered reimbursements

• Blocks access to bank accounts and other financial resources

• Interferes or jeopardizes job interviews, employment, or career advancement of the safe parent

• Misuse of litigation to disadvantage the safe parent financially

Coercive Control

• Creates a sense of fear that pervades all elements of the safe parent’s life

• Consistently belittles, undermines, shames, and criticizes the safe parent to abuse emotionally

• Strategically manipulates family, friends, or community into conflict with the safe parent to remain in control and gain an advantage (triangulation)

• Imposes a false narrative to make the safe parent doubt their reality, memory, and perceptions (gaslighting)