What Is a High Conflict Divorce?
Serving divorce papers and reaching agreements during divorce is never easy, but the journey can be even more stressful if your spouse has a high conflict personality disorder. A high-conflict person can turn an already difficult time into a high-stakes blame game even if you're typically skilled at dealing with difficult people. Read on to learn more about what a high conflict divorce is, discover the signs you may be in one, and discover tips on how to manage a high conflict personality during the process.
What Is a High Conflict Divorce?
A high conflict divorce is typically driven by one party’s need for control. The high conflict person is determined to win and that need to win often overrides logic and the sound advice that they may receive from well-meaning bystanders. How this dynamic plays out varies greatly but there are common threads through most of these challenging divorces. The world often labels these situations as nasty “custody battles” but more often than not, it’s actually one parent desperate to protect the children and the disordered parent using the children as pawns and placing them directly in the line of fire. There is a common misconception that it “takes two to tango,” but that type of mentality and victim-blaming is unfair and painful to those divorcing a narcissist.
What Is High Conflict Personality Disorder?
Often, a high conflict divorce occurs when one partner has a high conflict personality or a personality disorder such as narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder. Because it is very difficult to get a solid diagnosis of these personality disorders, we typically refer to this type of individual as a high conflict person (HCP).
We see several different categories under this umbrella:
Narcissistic HCPs: Engage in conflict to mask an underlying inferiority complex, deep seated shame or a fear of being powerless.
Borderline HCPs: Typically have a deep fear of abandonment and may be triggered when a relationship ends
Antisocial HCPs: Seeks to dominate and manipulate others and are willing to hurt those around them for personal gain. These individuals believe they are above the law and lack remorse``
Signs of a High Conflict Personality
Recognizing the signs of a high conflict person before going into a divorce can help you better prepare. Some signs of a high conflict personality include:
Blame shifting: People with a high conflict personality are unlikely to take responsibility for how they contributed to the failure of a relationship. Even if they are primarily at fault, they will try to twist things around to make you responsible. Or, they may ignore statements about their actions and instead point out your flaws.
Deceitfulness: People are prone to lying, even about seemingly insignificant things in times of conflict. When you get into a situation like a divorce, this can lead to fabrications regarding your past behaviors and parenting abilities.
Eagerness to argue: High conflict people start arguments even when a more peaceful solution is available. They are the type to strive for the last word and may attempt to continue fights via phone, social media, and text message if you disengage and walk away.
Desire for vengeance: For high conflict people, general remorse usually won't diminish their anger. They want to make the other person pay, often in ways that are over the top compared to the original offense.
Resistance to compromise: High conflict people go into situations wanting to win and show reluctance to compromise.
Dealing With a Difficult Spouse in a Difficult Situation
Although you may not be able to diffuse the situation entirely, there are some things you can do to take some of the stress out of a high-conflict divorce. Here are some tips to try:
Remind yourself the root of the reaction: A high-conflict person's actions and words aren't really about you. They reflect deep-seated issues that they have not resolved. Keeping this in mind may make it easier to disengage or, select your battles wisely.
Don't expect logic: A high conflict person cannot approach conflict logically. As a result, explaining your motives and rationale is unlikely to lead to any progress. Accepting this at a core level helps you to manage your expectations.
Try a connect and shift strategy: Sometimes, momentarily connecting to a high conflict person and then diverting them to another topic can be an effective way to negotiate. When they attempt to engage you in conflict, connect with them by making an empathetic statement and then move on to the next topic. For example, you could say, "You seem very upset and it certainly wasn't my intention to make you feel that way. Let's see how we can resolve this in a way that feels fairer. What if we..."
Hire a high conflict divorce coach: A high conflict divorce coach can help you navigate a high conflict divorce or child custody battle from a place of strategy versus emotion. A divorce coach can provide support, perspective, and education while helping you to master a strategic mindset. This will help you negotiate more effectively and keep your emotions in check to resolve disagreements and reach better outcomes.
